i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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