I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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