i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
