You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
