My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
