goodnight i made you a song goodbye
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
