At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
