I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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