I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
