He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
