Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
