The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize