That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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