when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
