I can text with my tongue
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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