I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
