I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
