Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
