I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
