Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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