I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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