just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
