Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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