Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
