your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
