u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
