I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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