Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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