you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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