My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
