Apparently you make a good broom.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
