So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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