So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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