dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
