Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
