he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
