She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found puke in my bra..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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