if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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