If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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