2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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