just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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