i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
