I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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