Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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