You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
