I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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