I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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