tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
