i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize