just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
