so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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