Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
