what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
