she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
