You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
