i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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