I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
