shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize