I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
