it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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