last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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