i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
