Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
