if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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