i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
